Couch Potatoes | Cooking | Food & Wine

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COUCH POTATOES Second Draft by Chloe Hill FADE IN: INT. LIVING ROOM Close up: A strange, green hand takes a crisp (McCannibal’s Flame Grilled) out of a bag and puts it greedily into his mouth. Very loud annoying, rustling and crunching sounds. Pull out to show SPUD and TATTY - an overweight, unattractive potato couple with short, stumpy legs with no shoes on, sprouts for hands and long googly eyes. The room is dark, illuminated by the light from a TV set. The potatoes sit, sinking into a blue
  COUCH POTATOESSecond DraftbyChloe Hill  FADE IN:INT. LIVING ROOMClose up: A strange, green hand takes a crisp (McCannibal’sFlame Grilled) out of a bag and puts it greedily into his mouth. Very loud annoying, rustling and crunching sounds.Pull out to show SPUD and TATTY - an overweight,unattractive potato couple with short, stumpy legs with noshoes on, sprouts for hands and long googly eyes.The room is dark, illuminated by the light from a TV set.The potatoes sit, sinking into a blue couch, surrounded byempty boxes of snack food and drink, includingMcCainnibal’s Oven Chips. SPUD continues to crunchaccompanied by TATTY’S sugar drink slurping. It’s obviousthat the pair haven’t moved for hours.On the TV a bar and a bottle of soap are singing opera.TATTY turns to SPUD to express her latest insight. Shespeaks in their own mumbling, burping, indistinguishablelanguageTATTYRURURUGAURCHOORURAH.SPUDBUHThey turn eagerly back to the screen. The soap opera hasgotten to a tragic ending, the soap bar having decided tostab itself while the bottle cradles it and sings its finalnote. The programme ends.The next programme comes on: Hell’s Kitchen. The openingcredits flash up, followed by a view of a kitchen. Dramatic music.COMMENTATORAnd now. The continuation, ofHell’s Kitchen. This week thecandidates must impress chefRamsay with an English classic:Fish and Chips.TATTY and SPUD continue to look blankly at the screen.TATTY slurps.Back to the TV - The chef places some potatoes on thecounter alongside a chopping board. He picks up a knife.Close up of the gleaming knife. He picks up a potato andchokes it.TATTY nudges SPUD worriedly.  TATTYSPUDSPUD. BLEBLEO.SPUD hushes her and takes another crisp. The TV chef isready to cut the top of the potato off.TATTY frantically elbows SPUD.TATTY (CONT’D)GABBANANANSPUD starts to develop a distaste for the programme andcasts a look of disdain.SPUDUHHHRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHPFFFTHe feels around for the remote, but can’t find it. TATTY isincreasingly frantic.SPUD (CONT’D)DOBDOBGUB?TATTY’s eyes are glued to the screen with morbid curiosity.Absentmindedly she picks the remote up from beside her andpasses it to him.SPUD (CONT’D)(impatiently)GUH.Mr Celebrity TV chef is half way through sadisticallychopping the potato. TATTY squeals a pig squeal.SPUD hammers away at the remote trying to change thechannel. It isn’t working and he gets more and more workedup. TATTY urgently prods and squeals at him only tofrustrate him further.He stretches for an empty chip box and hurls it at the TV -his throw is weak and it drops meagerly to the floor . Heangrily scoops the rubbish around him, turning it into make-shift ammunition. The intent: stop the TV.TATTY whimpers into her cup. Taunting the couple, the TVchef skips towards a pan of boiling water with thepotatoes.TATTYWHAAWHAA. NAA.She grabs at SPUD. SPUD sees no other solution than gettingTATTY to switch the TV off herself. He gestures to thiseffect.SPUDYUBYUBYUBHO? YOMAN?2.  TATTY retorts with an indignant look and snorts, shakingher head. SPUD sighs, worn out by his efforts. Hereluctantly reaches behind the sofa and grabs a pristinebroom - loosely prodding it in the direction of the offbutton.A pan of boiling oil is on screen.CHEFI NEED THIS *BLEEP*ING FOOD AND INEED IT RIGHT NOW!The chef drains the potatoes and approaches the pan of oil.TATTY covers her eyes. Mortified, SPUD drops his broom, anddesperately fumbles down the side of the sofa for his gun.BLAM! He fires a shot at the top of the TV. Success! Thescreen cuts out.The couple breathe a unanimous sigh of relief. The bulletricochets off the TV into the depths of SPUD’S stomach. Heblows up into a pile of mashed potato.TATTY inspects the remote control.TATTYOH.It has no batteries in it. Remaining unaffected by thecorpse beside her, she digs out two batteries from the sofacushion, hurriedly jams them in and takes the TV offstandby. The familiar sound of opera returns.Close up: TATTY resumes her normal, hypnotic routine. Shepicks up her drink and slurps loudly.FADE OUT.3.
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