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See Inside: “WANT TO EARN SOME FREE HATS?” We need Editors, visit our forum to apply: http://enginoods.dnsalias.org “We ain’t affilliated with nobody” Volume 4, Issue 2 UW responds to your parking concerns Recently, the University, who apparently does not believe that students can, do, or have any desire to own cars, announced a new parking policy. Effective this term, the only places that students can get parking spaces are way the fuck on the other side of campus, way the fuck up by optometr
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  “We ain’t affilliated withnobody” “Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur? And the rabbit says, No. So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.” T HE ENGINOODS I NVADE   THE I NTERNET ! http://enginoods.dnsalias.org And you thought that the internet was safe for children, nutbags and pedophiles...We’re looking for a more permenant server, if you know of one, Many FREE HATS for you! Volume 4, Issue 2 See Inside:“WANT TO EARN SOME FREEHATS?” We need Editors, visit our forum to apply:http://enginoods.dnsalias.org UW responds to your parking concernsUW responds to your parking concernsUW responds to your parking concernsUW responds to your parking concernsUW responds to your parking concerns Recently, the University, who apparently does not believe that students can, do, or have any desire to own cars,announced a new parking policy. Effective this term, the only places that students can get parking spaces are way thefuck on the other side of campus, way the fuck up by optometry, and on the lawn of the SLC. Quite obviously, studentswere more than a little pissed off about this, especially when gazing over the wide open vistas of empty spaces in B lot,which wait only for the off chance that a faculty member might want to park there. Even parking off campus is not anoption, given last week’s new city bylaw which states that no two student parking spaces may be within 75 meters of each other on city property. In atypical fashion however, Parking control has actually responded to some of theseconcerns.Effective immediately, the first three floors of MC will be used as a multi-level parking garage. Even though the new signs,ramps, and lines haven’t been installed there, students are encouraged to park “wherever they can find space”.Rather than towing cars, the SLC will be converted into a used car lot/demolition derby. This is really a winner foreveryone, given that: a) nobody uses the SLC for anything useful anyway, b) Smashing things is fun, and c) Arts studentsand frosh need co-op jobs too.Parking control has also used its substantial ticket revenue to sponsor a research initiative at the Perimeter Institute todevelop a two dimensional car. When asked about the fact that a three dimensional student could not occupy a twodimensional space, the PI replied “whoa there-that sounds like practical physics. We’re assuming an idealized pointsource passenger.” We have our own idea for a 2D car, but it involves Elaine Carpenter’s car and a hydraulic press.A new lot exclusively for students will be built in north North campus (in other words, in St fucking Jacobs). From there,you can get a bus to Laurier. We’re not sure how this is useful either, but we think it’s about the same rationale as havingthree fucking comp classes.In a related piece of news, UW parking control has announced a spinoff company,“Hyperglobalmegafuckthestudentspolycom logistics”, whose goal is to provide logistical consulting solutions to just aboutanyone who can pay for it. Their track record of complete fucking disdain for those they claim to serve has severalworld governments already asking for bids on projects. A quick check of their website revealed it to still be underconstruction, but their logo was accompanied by the phrase “Not only will we fuck you up the ass, but we’ll make youwash our fucking cars for the privilege”.  “Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, You got some big-ass lips!” POEPOEPOEPOEPOETSTSTSTSTS Would you like a Screaming Viking? POETS Bottle Drive: Check the wall in POETS ya fucking moron. CENSOREDCENSOREDCENSOREDCENSOREDCENSORED HOW TO DRINK UNDERAGEHOW TO DRINK UNDERAGEHOW TO DRINK UNDERAGEHOW TO DRINK UNDERAGEHOW TO DRINK UNDERAGE OK, Dum Frosh, this one's for you (and any of you freakish Matan like fucks who are in second year and still aren't 19). For some crazyfucking reason da man doesn't want you drinkin' before you've reached the ripe old age of 19. For many of you, this has not been amajor obstacle, since you have probably managed to dance with sweet lady alcohol despite the protestations of a puritan society. Forsome however, their deep seeded fear of authority, their domineering families, or pure fucking laziness, has prevented them fromexperiencing the joys of being truly fucked up. To those dum frosh we say that there is hope! There are ways to get drinkin’ while you’re“underage”; you just have to know what they are:- Make your own: This is kind of like being a good jedi: it’s not the quick and easy path of the dark side, but it’s ultimately more fulfilling,not to mention cheaper. The basic ingredients of beer are water, yeast, hops, and barley-nothing that you can’t just walk out andbuy, right? Engineers have also been known to make their own stills, but this is probably best left to those who know what they’redoing (or have at least passed first year and own a good fire extinguisher). If you really want to make your own still, find a chemmiewho’s taken CHE 101 (seperations).- Fuck someone who works at a bar (or at least a blowjob): This one’s mostly for the ladies, since most of the bartenders/bouncers tend tobe male, and although some may indeed be “switch hitters”, “playing for the other team”, or “fags”, it’s probably not something youwant to chance. If they are female, you can still ask if they would like some head, but be expected to be slapped. Just put it this way,in the worst case, you get slapped, in the best, you get to give her head. Many a frosh has made it into drinking establishmentsunmolested thanks to a well placed blowjob. In fact, it’s also the ONLY way to get into the exclusive Noods parties…- Alternative sources of booze: Generations of winos have taught us that mouthwash, paint thinner, lighter fluid, and medical alcohol willall fuck you up just as much as the more “traditional” sources. Of course, there are downsides like blindness, increased risk of spontaneous combustion, and shitting your pants in a gutter while begging for change, but at least you’ll be drunk while doing it.- Make the right order: It never fails that the underagers order the worst shit they can think of. Walk into poets and order a Canadian;they’ll know you’re frosh. Walk in and confidently order a Baron or Waterloo Dark, and they’ll know that you know what you’redoing.- Find an upper year that looks like you and be their friend: Since the lights in bars are usually pretty shitty, it doesn’t even have to bethat good a resemblance. One time we know of, a 17 year old got in just by using the right fucking hat, so anything is possible.- Find the right bar: There are definitely bars around that don’t know what this “ID” you lack is. Find them, and tip well…- Don't forget Harvey's where you can get alcohol by asking for playdoh.- You can always get an upper year to buy you alcohol. This should be really easy. Tell them you'll pay double and they will have noproblem breaking the law for you. Or, offer to give them head too.- Try to get your dad to catch you 'drinking' (we suggest an old beer bottle full of apple juice). If he's one of those dads that when hecaught you smoking gave you a full pack to smoke at once, then just imagine what what will happen to you now!- Drink some wood alcohol (Paint thiner) then call 911. You can say you didn't know it was wood alcohol and one of the typical treatmentsis to pump you full of alcohol! Real alcohol this time, not methanol. If this doesn't work don't hold us responsible for your untimelydemise. But if it does, let us know!- Hold up a beer store. Nobody ever holds up beer stores! And don't take the money, unless you really want the cops after you.- Steal a truck of spanish Moosehead and give it out to your friends while driving across the country. A Santa Claus of beer! Beer Claus!- Whenever walking into a bar, attitude is the most important thing. Act like you expect to be served, not hoping to be.- Break into a brewery late at night. Lock yourself inside a vat so that you have to drink your way out. See Strange Brew for help. I aM 19 so driNkin’ isYES! We’ve even provided you with the latestin Fake IDs. With our army of techologically superior monkies who havebeen slaving away for 10 years to comeup with the ultimate fake ID, we finallyhave a finished product. Cut it out andgive it a try. Guaranteed to get you intoevery bar. (not a guarantee) If you don’tget in, don’t blame us, blame your ownfucking stupidity.  THIRD PAGE OF COMICS!THIRD PAGE OF COMICS!THIRD PAGE OF COMICS!THIRD PAGE OF COMICS!THIRD PAGE OF COMICS!  Don’t read this page. It’s full of comics! “Have a Coke and a smile, and shut the fuck up.”  THIS WEEK’S PLEA:SUBMIT. To the noods. FREE HATs for all submissives to the noods at enginoods@gmail.com. Backpage Ache “This page has got back!” - Editors WERE YOU OFFENDED? If you were offended by this week’s enginoods, we want to hear about it. Send your flames, death threats, and porn to: enginoods@gmail.com If we publish your letter, you’ll get a FREE HAT & P**5 points! We at the Enginoods value your suggestions, and thisshit won’t get any better unless you tell us what to change.Fuck you very much,The NoodsBottom of Page Quotations were not brought to you by: J Jonah Jameson, Darth Randall and The Letter ‘J’ “Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night!” Noods Presents“Building your Wordpower” German Blodes Arschloch stupid assholeDummes Huhn stupid chickenScheisse shitFotze cuntBlode Fotze stupid cuntMutterficker motherfuckerHurensohn son of a bitchhure whoreDepp idiotDrecksau dirty pigArschgesicht AssfaceFick dich! Fuck YouFick mich Fuck meSchlampe Tramp or Slutdas geht dich einen feuchten Scheissdreck an None of your fucking businessAuf Wiedersehen Fickakopf GoodbyefuckheadLeck mich am Arsch Lick my assmach es dir selber Go fuck yourself scheissekopf shitheadLichten mein asch. kiss my ass Kittens!Kittens!Kittens!Kittens!Kittens! Ever replace the one word for another before? Here’s what happenswhen you take a list of things to do with apples and replace them withkittens:Thoughts for kitten use (other than pelting unwelcome relatives/ hobos):Pies are good – especially overflowing pies.Baked kittens are also tasty, and can be justified as dinner foodHomemade kitten sauce (which I believe also freezes, which is good)You could make some of those scary shrunken kitten heads we madein primary school (I think it was a pioneer themed toy or something…with cloves for eyes?)Make dried kitten chips (when sliced super thin they don’t actuallybreak your teeth)Still life painting of a bowl of kittensKitten painting (if you glaze it enough, will it still rot? Even if it did rot,would you notice through the glaze?Who needs pumpkin bombs when youcan make kitten bombs?You could make pretend tropical drinks,and serve them inside hollowed outkittens instead of coconutsKitten bowling! The pins are bananas.Bet you get annoyed staring at thisfor longer than a few seconds!The middle moves!Now try this again with some pot.
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